No problem is left resolved
Since October 2003, I have not missed a payment on anything, bounced a check, gone without transportation, food, housing, water, electricity, fuel, insurance. My family has not gone without cable, internet, games, snacks or toys. We have not eaten ramen or hamburger helper for dinner on purpose for years. I put money away for retirement, no less than 10%, and save every dime I can. My debt consists of a mortgage, a car payment, and student loans. No credit cards, nothing from my past haunting me. Just regular old fashion monthly bills like electricity, phone, water and insurances.
My lawn is mowed every week unless its raining, and mowed the next available day. The snow, if it does snow, is shoveled from the driveway, the neighbors and our sidewalks. I fix the cars, fix the house, repair tools, cut down trees, fix bikes, cooks and tries to keep the kitchen clean, and can still fix a computer. I play with the kids, teach the kids every opportunity I can, and very rarely raise my voice, most of the time is because I have to be loud enough to be heard over the roar. I try to engage the kids in things that they want to be in, from fixing the bikes to making dinner, answering math puzzles so forth.
I have gotten a degree and going for another so that I can provide even more for my family, and their futures. I have always been employed for all but 2.5 months since 1991, and each time they are an increase in pay, responsibilities, and positive life experiences. This, however, is only a way for me to try and spend less time with the wife apparently. It’s never been a damn, I’m proud of you for what you do, but instead damn, look how much less time that I can’t spend with you. It’s always about what I haven’t done that is the key.
I haven’t been to a bar since before going on my last deployment, in 2004. I eat out only when I have to, such as being on the road, which happens rarely at best. I haven’t had but one friend stay a weekend with me since 2001, and only one other visit for two separate afternoons separated by 2 years. I have spent a total of 12 days in the past 5 years visiting friends and family. I haven’t bought new clothes for myself in over 2 years, which were solely work clothes. I am not allowed to game on the computer or talk to friends on line or the phone without the complete wrath of jealousy raining down for literally days after the event, not to mention during the event.
I live with my wife using her status on messenger as a type of twitter, where she posts her various ways she’s in despair, depressed, mad, angry, let down, pissed, over the edge, losing it, et cetera, mainly I feel so that my friends are constantly asking me what the hell is going on and how can she not have had a good day in years. She gets mad just about every time a kid acts like a kid, which is many times a day.
We’ve gotten a sitter 2 times in 4 years. Everything we do has to be as a family, the whole family and nothing but the family. If one person is happy, it’s not fair, we all deserve to be happy together. Turns out that everyone is sick of being around each other all the time so we just get to be annoyed at everyone else all the time, no problem is left resolved.
When I spend money on meat, beer and a video game that I will probably never get to play again while visiting my friends, one which I haven’t seen in 4 years, I get an email more or less telling me that I took food from the kids mouth and ensured that we stay broke. I get to see my wife plaster on her facebook how I basically just blow money on whatever, and having my ex wife chime in saying ‘thats why she manages that in her house’. I know what that got me last time, 60k in the hole, it’s not ever happening again.
My question is this. Is this what a husband is supposed to be. Getting married means giving up living, just working to provide for other people? If I do decide to live for just a moment, I have to be given a guilt trip on how dare I do that, yada yada yada. I don’t see why that has to be the case, but in two cases of marriage it seems that it is. Why is it my responsibility to only provide for other people and never provide for myself? Instead of trying to make myself happy, should I just concede that it will never happen again because I am married? And if so, why? What is the logical answer to that, something that will sell me on the idea of just waiting til I die at the age of 35, because I’ve already lived before marriage. I don’t understand it, it makes absolutely no rational sense to me. Why is it that because she decided to give up her friends and burn a lot of bridges ‘to be with me’ that I am expected to do the same.
I am frustrated. I’ve been trying to convey these very ideas to my wife for a very long time, though she doesn’t let me speak. Why should I know that if I need to get more pants for work because they are worn out, I have to prepare myself for weeks in advance before I tell her, so that I can put up with guilt trips of how all I do is spend money on myself for weeks up until I buy some pants for work, and then the guilt trips posted all online of how I just threw the kids future out the window and how I”m the only one that gets to spend money in the house (which is a load of crap by the way, I typically have 100 bucks or less every month after bills to get gas for my truck, any maintenance needs, and savings, and I have to account for everything spent that isn’t on bills to her, whereas she has a monthly budget of over 1100 and doesn’t have to account for a goddamned penny).
I am sick of living like this, having to put up with this crap because I AM FUCKING YEARNING TO HAVE SOMETHING OF A LIFE, even if it’s only for a couple weekends a year, and I have to get guilt trip after guilt trip after guilt trip because I don’t feel like sitting down and just waiting to die in front of the goddamned tv like a good husband should.
Boiling down to one
If someone asks me what irritates me, I could go off on a semi-long string of items that can be bracketed into this category. Most, there is absolutely nothing that can be done, so I get over whatever it is relatively quickly. One thing, however, gets on my nerves very badly.
Have you ever been in combat? Have you ever shot anyone? Have you ever seen anyone die? What the fuck kinds of questions are these? Why does it matter, and what are you, the inconsiderate ass that’s asking, going to do about the fact that if any or all of these are true about the feelings that soldier has about it?
Does anybody ask their doctor, “Hey doc, have you ever watched someone die?”, or ” Have you ever killed anybody?”. Do truck-drivers get asked about how many dumb accidents and how many families they’ve seen killed on the highways they’ve seen? I can almost guarantee not. Why is the soldier singled out for these really dumb and completely insensitive questions? Are we supposed to be immune to the fact that whole landscapes have changed around us, along with friends and innocent people forever being gone in a bright flash?
This does not stem from anything I have been asked recently, however I have been asked this many times in the past. I’m usually a bit more straight forward in my reply, such as saying “Get away from me” up to “Get the fuck away from me now you retard!” It was asked by another soldier on a post on facebook however, and it just really irritated me.
Coffee Beans filtering my blood
That’s what I’ve been doing the past couple of months since my last post…drinking coffee and honestly, very little. I’ve done a bit of yard work, relocating piles of crap and a whole structure…but that wasn’t a lot of work in reality, just poorly executed by yours truly.
One thing to note, and this should get out, is that if you are a Word Press user, and host the blog on your own site, you may have been hacked if you are not using the most current version of Word Press.
On the Word Press issue, I noticed starting about a week ago a user was created on my site. I deleted it. Then another, and up til today have had 6 user accounts created. I decided to figure out what bug this was, since I know it’s a bug and not an ‘all of a sudden’ interest in a very worthless piece of internet terrain. Anyways, being slightly interested in what the attack was lead me to do a little investigation. For what I read, go to these blogs: http://lorelle.wordpress.com/2009/09/04/old-wordpress-versions-under-attack/ and http://wordpress.org/development/2009/09/keep-wordpress-secure/.
I have a feeling my sisters blog is already compromised, since I was the one patching it for quite a while, and haven’t done that for well, a while. Guess I should investigate recovering the database before she asks me to help :)
In other news, completely unrelated, I ate too much cole slaw today. There was a lunch at work today, and though I did not participate, there was somewhere in the vicinity of a gallon of cole slaw left. Goober shur does like him some ’slaw, so I took some. And now my gut hurts, cause I ates too much.
What have I been doing in my free time nobody might ask. I’ve taken 2 months off from studying, but am back at it again. I have a Cert to get by December, and well, it’s not too involved but a whole lot of information to know. So I’m stuffing my head with information that, for all intents and purposes, already know. It’s the CISSP in case you’re gotten this far and are having any hint of curiosity. At work, I’m also starting to teach myself how to code. I’m starting in Java, since it’s probably one of the more basic languages, and well, it comes with a ton of documentation for me to learn from, which makes it easier. I understand coding for the most part, if I look at some source I can usually decipher what it’s doing generally…but just like being able to talk a language, it’s nice to know how to actually write it. The benefit is I can also make virtual things with this knowledge, sort of like a geek-type shop class….here’s my bird-house.
In other news; I’m sick of Enya.
