Day 1
Everything starts here, at day 1.
One last go at this with Jessica. Two stipulations, that she has friends that are men and non-platonic, and no secrets.
I’ve considered a lot of other options, but then I’d turn Jessica into my daughter, not a wife. That would really solve nothing in the long run, we’d just end up resenting each other more.
I’ve placed the ball firmly in her court. I’ve talked quite enough about what I want and need, she knows this in and out. I know I’ve talked it enough because I’m really tired of talking it.
I’m a bit leery to be honest, because the last time I said this it backfired sort of. Jess didn’t sleep with that cat though, mainly because I added too much ‘drama’ to the mix. That’s ok with me though, apparently some drama sometimes serves a purpose too.
I’m hoping that Jess see’s the bigger picture. Sure, it’s about me, it’s about her, but we have a family too. I know she knows this, and I’m not going to spend anymore time beating this horse.
I do love her. That doesn’t mean that I’ll put up with much more, I’m at the end of my emotional tolerance and probably over-extended on that.
Anyways…Day 1 is today. It started at about 5am. The dynamics have changed, but that’s all it is, change.
Watchtower
I keep having Hendrix in my head, and not whole songs either. At least they’re good songs.
Jess came home Friday mid-morning. We really haven’t talked since. She said she was sorry for what she did, that’s about the extent of it.
I don’t know what to say anymore though. I’ve been trying so hard to get her to realize that a marriage isn’t the perfect little happy-world that she wants it to be, but make the most of it anyways. I don’t want to do that anymore, I’m tired of talking the same points to the same person and nothing happens.
Three times in the past month she’s told me that I need to just accept who she is, that she’s going to get her satisfaction anyway she can, and I just have to deal with it. Thursday last week she told me that essentially I am just another lay, another dick she fucks, and I have to learn to accept that. She then went and spent a few days with her boyfriend.
I honestly don’t think her overdose was anything more than just a way to get attention from the man who she loves and the man who pays for her life. That’s my gut feeling anyways. The man she loves said that he’s leaving for 6 months to a year, and me, the guy who pays for everything, told her that we need to start to work towards a divorce with her first getting a loan to take over the van payments.
She comes home and starts texting and IM’ing Jaysen when we get home, which means to me that absolutely nothing has changed. I didn’t really expect anything to really change though, it was just a bit of hope there that maybe it would.
Nothing has really changed. I still want a divorce. I still have piles of homework to do too.
