Pertaining to Masonry
Particularly on building walls. What is the purpose of a wall? It’s typically a duel purpose object, one to keep things out, one to keep things in. Typically, when someone encounters a wall, they will either look for the door through it, and understand the purpose. The only time you climb over the wall, or detonate a hole in it, is when you are trying to get in (or out) when you are not supposed to.
What I don’t understand is the reasoning on building a wall just to test someone to see if they can get over it, to more or less prove their worth to the wall builder. What a silly notion, except on a reality TV show.
Why it makes no sense that someone builds up walls around themselves to keep their past and the stuff they refuse to accept in, and keep others out; but makes the comment to the affect that ‘I’m not building a wall to keep you out but building it to see if you’ll try to climb over it and rescue me’. That’s not even logical, it’s fanciful bullshit, just the same as all the teen-aged whims and dreams on relationships.
Where I come from, you build a wall and I have to get in, it’s to do a job. We take down the wall, secure a foot-hold, frag every room in the place, and leave after we’re done. Very simple. We’re not rescuing anybody except those who are under serious threat by those within those walls.
On the personal level, what rescuing is there? You build up your little inpenetrable fortress, try and make it look imposing and pretty on the outside, but inside you’re just walling up a landfill full of crap. You build the walls while you’re on the inside with the landfill, and eventually make it to where the only way you can get out is to pile up trash in hopes of getting to the top of the wall. That’s when you realize that you’ve build a 100 foot wall and you can’t get down the outside wall, because it’s too high. All you can do is jump on the pile of trash that is just a few feet below you and stay within your landfill.
Then you make the comment that you need to be saved? From what? If I breech the wall, millions of gallons of shit and refuse is going to poor out, killing the breech-er in the process. I could scale the wall, but that requires a team and a lot of equipment, planning, rehearsals, so forth. There isn’t any way to scale a 100 foot wall by yourself with no help. Third, why would I spend all the time and effort to scale the walls you created to keep me out, to prove to you that I didn’t want this in the first place, only for you to go and hide under your piles of trash that you’ve been storing, making additional fortifications with the trash you’ve been securing? What’s the point?
Anyways, walls serve two purposes. When you build them, know this, and accept this. If you want to hide yourself in your personal landfill that you’ve walled up, and you’re waiting on rescue, the wait is going to be long. Nobody can get you out of your fortification except for you, and if you keep building better and better fortifications, eventually you won’t even be able to get out yourself. You’ll be stuck for the rest of your life.
This is the part that I don’t enjoy
This feeling that just sucks the energy out of you.
Last time around, I beat myself up for months knowing that I could have done something to fix it, save the marriage, whatever. It was a nice 12 mile walk in 0 degree weather at midnight that I chilled out enough and saw what happened. Then I got to my friends house at 4-something a.m. and drank some of his beer and passed out in his garage next to a space heater. After that, I was right as rain.
This time, I know that there isn’t a single thing that I could have done to save this marriage. Again, I think this marriage failed as soon or before it began. I am not positive, but looking at hindsight, I’m pretty sure that this didn’t just start a year and a half ago, I think it started right after my son was born.
I really do feel like I’m a fool. I’ve fell for the same story two times, different characters of course, but the same thing. I paid for someone else to live it up a little, paid for someone else to have fun and do whatever. This time around however, I never let go of my finances, which has been a major sticking point for a couple of years, but I’m glad I didn’t.
Anyways, two weekends ago we talked, and I thought we were in a place that we could maybe start working on us, maybe. At that time, I honestly thought we could. However, immediately after she finds some other guy online, and though it’s unconfirmed on my part (because she now uses text messages and cell phone calls to talk) she’s going to go spend the weekend with him.
And you know what. I don’t care. Really. It sucks, the same way it does whenever any relationship fails, but I’ve been dealing with this pain with her for 16 or so months, spent my whole previous marriage doing the same thing….I’m pretty used to it now. I just can’t stand the way it saps the motivation right out of me. I have so much work to do, and I just don’t care about any of it. I get it done, like always, but man, I could go for a nice long walk with a backpack now and not stop for about 3 months.
Anyways, that’s it. I’ll try to make this the last time I complain about this, I’m sure everyone is tired of reading this sad ole tale. I’m tired of speaking it.
Up and coming, it’s been a posting that has been in the works for about a year now, I work on it when I get the time and can collect my thoughts. It’s going to probably make the other half of you that don’t think I’m insane, think I’m insane :)
