I’m not sure what to feel
Last Thursday I told Jessica, before she left on her 4 day getaway, one last time that I was still willing on working on the marriage if she was willing to move forward with dealing with her past and the problems she has in her head that were steering the marriage into the ground. I also told her that if she couldn’t do that, then we couldn’t work on it. This was the third time in as many weeks as I’ve said this, I was just trying to give her reassurance and maybe change her mind.
Thursday night she more or less told me that I was no different than any other guy she’ll ever fuck or ever has, it was just sex and nothing special about it, and that I should just accept that.
She spent the weekend with her boyfriend. During that time from what I’ve been able to tell, he told her that he was leaving. She came home and told Monday that she still wanted to work on us, but was convinced that it wasn’t her that needed to change, she was going to maintain the status quo. I told her that I couldn’t work like this anymore, and that we had to get divorced. I did tell her that I wasn’t kicking her out, that this could be done gracefully and leave her prepared to move on. I went to work for a couple of hours.
I got an email from Jess telling me what she had done. I left work then, came home, called the paramedics, and here we are.
I did just get off the phone with her. I told her what I still feel very strongly, that I love her and if she wants to really work at ‘us’ that I’ll be there. I said she just has to learn to trust me with who she really is, her feelings, the things she’s really scared to let go of.
I hope it works out. I’m emotionally tired right now. She did tell me that she does want to move forward. She also said she’ll be in the hospital for a couple more days and I told her that if she needs more time to take it.
by Thrash
Well, I’ve been bitten in the ass already and before :) I think Jess is closer to understanding what’s going on within herself, or at least I hope. When you hit rock bottom the only way is back up. It’ll be tough for her, but as long as she is willing to still move forward, I’ll stick by her.
There is much more in the equation that I’ve really hit on in the blog, I’ve mostly just talked about how I feel about it as an outlet, but there are some real key areas that are driving this and her.
First and foremost though, she’s my friend, and no matter what’s happened, I can’t leave a friend at their lowest point unless they demand it. I think what happened yesterday (seems so long ago) was just the opposite from her.
Mark, I have been thinking of Jess and you a lot this week and now I see why it was such intense thoughts. I’m sending you both energy of love and light and hope… whatever comes to be will come to be. I have and always will be here just a note away… Many blessings be with you all.
My fear is that trying to work on this may come back to bite you on the ass in the end. Go forward with your eyes wide open friend…