Of Pens and Swords

When History is left in the past

History is there for a reason.  For a few reasons.  One is to understand where we came from; another is to understand decisions made and how those decisions influenced the world around it.  It’s a pretty thing to look at sometimes; sometimes it’s the hurricane on the horizon, history.

History can repeat itself if we let it.  If we feel that we’re doomed to a certain walk, a fate if you will.  We can also address history head long, if we’re not afraid to get trampled.  There’s the chance that me could be crushed by something that’s bigger than us, and there is the chance that we divert history just enough to not collide again, but to cut a new path.

The courage to stand down history comes from losing yourself though.  To realize that there isn’t anything else to lose, and there is exactly one shot left to do something.  It not really courage, it’s a painful resignation in your heart that lets you know that it’s almost over.  That you can let history win, because you know what to expect and that pain will be familiar enough to deal with…or you can just just put down that trashcan lid that you use for  a shield and accept that you might lose this one, but it’s more important to try and lose than not try.

How do you divert history, to keep it from repeating.  It takes a team of people really.  It takes a really good friend that thankfully has no qualms about telling you you’re messing up.  It takes the room of people that will be really affected by this, in real life, and can’t escape the decisions of others.  And of course it takes yourself, willing to take what you hold nearest to yourself and letting it go, that trashcan lid shield that you try to protect yourself with.

The past few days have been rough.  They’ve been downright scary, because the stakes are very high and the odds seemed low.  We haven’t won yet though, there is a lot of work to do, from both of us.  We’ve diverted history a little though, a different path, and we’ve increased our odds.

I do love my wife,  a bit more than I thought I did.  I missed talking to her, even if it’s painful talk.  I missed seeing that look in her eyes like I saw an hour ago, where I know she’s being 100% honest with me and isn’t afraid of it.

I should thank Van too.  He showed me the other side of the card.

I think my wife and I will be fine eventually.  Today was a good start, one step in a very positive direction.  I have to figure out how to take some of the concentration from the future and put it in the now, to stop swimming so hard and relax a little…I’ll still get where I need to get.  I’ll work, I have to work, on paying attention to the now more.  I want to make a different history.