When History Repeats Itself
I’d thought that I had found the person who understood, or maybe shared, an outlook that I did. I thought I had met a person who was as honest as I try to be. I thought I had found the one person that we could be just silly with until we were dead. I honestly thought this.
I realize that I didn’t pay my wife as much attention as she needed. It’s hard though, not knowing what to do. She’d get mad at me for not looking at her when she was standing naked in front of me, but when I did she’d tall me not to look at her. She’d say she was having a bad day but never tell me why or how, just that it was bad. I eventually ended up saying that I couldn’t help, because well, it’s really hard to help with something so vague. It would be akin to taking the car to the shop, telling the mechanic that something’s wrong with the car, he asks, what’s wrong with it, and you’d reply, “well, I don’t know really, just somethings not right.” You’ve just given the mechanic the task of looking at every nut and bolt on the car to fix something that may not be easily identifiable.
I’ve been busy, I know. I’ve been living with the idea now for 6 or 7 years that a sacrifice of the now and of the one is better than sacraficing the future and everybody. I’ve sacrificed everything for the future, though I ended up sacrificing the future along with it.
I do wish that she would have talked to me like she does everybody else. If she would have talked to me like that, explaining how she feels and in pornographic detail, I would have made a point to listen. She could have always come up here and interrupted me at any time, and 99% of the time it would have been welcomed. She can talk to anybody, complete strangers, in the most unbelievable ways, yet she couldn’t talk to me.
I honestly thought that when you are married, have kids, both going to school, and never spend time alone, that life would be annoying. It’s like when you’re laying in a spider-hole, haven’t eaten for 3 days, won’t eat again for 3, it’s been raining the whole time, your hole is filled with a nasty muck, and the target hasn’t shown…it sucks, you really don’t want to be there at the time, but you know, if you stick it out, the payoff is great…it could stop or change a battle, save lives. You could get pneumonia along the way, trench foot, and disentary, but it’s worth it in the end…even if you know that the person you’re searching for isn’t there…that’s also valuable information.
We’ve never gone out as a couple but twice, both times way before we were married, and both times equaled 4 hours total. Maybe 5, including the driving. We did spend 10 days in Ireland, I guess that counts.
I begrudgingly accept the fact that I’m a male, so it inherently is my involvement that failed the relationship. Nobody ever asked me why I work so hard, what the purpose is. I have been told from friends and family that I shouldn’t though, because more or less the future doesn’t matter as much as I feel it does. I get told by old (former?) friends that I should pay attention to my wife because she’s doing things like cutting herself, but in the next sentence they’ll say that she told them not to tell me and she’s hiding it from me so I don’t find out.
I did tell her that I can’t make her happy, because being happy has to come from yourself, in my opinion. I sort of gave an analogy of this here, what I went through before. I’ve even had to put down my own ball the past few years to support the family. Apparently this is now what women want. I don’t think that I’ll really ever be able to fulfill that need though, no matter what’s going on in my life.
I know things have been significantly different for a year now. I thought I knew the reason, the reasons, what changed, what the influences were. The way she’s treated me the past year, the things she says, mostly it feels like she’s intentionally trying to hurt me, to put me down. It was like last time, though this was slow and methodical. Then a week ago I was sitting on the couch, she was upstairs, and an IM popped up. It wasn’t the sort of thing that even friends would say to each other, but someone much closer. Then the next night she mentions that she should just leave. I’ve been expecting this for months now, but it was still like being hit with a whip.
Then I looked at the server files, archives, and found something. It made my heart drop. I showed it to her. The next day, I dug deeper into the archives, found something that hurts. I didn’t want to dig deeper because I was afraid of what I was going to find; I did though. I got into her email. I did it to hopefully see she was telling the truth, hoping that I could see, read, what was really bugging her. I found too much though. I asked her about it; it’s been brushed off.
It’s a hard thing to admit that something is over, though I don’t think that there is anything else that I can do. If I hadn’t dug too deep, I would have given it my all, but since I did dig I know that no matter how hard I try, it will be for nothing. She left me a long time ago, and I don’t think she wanted to come back. I don’t know why she hasn’t left me in the past few years, not even sure why she came here with me since it was me that took her from her son. None of it makes any sense. The only thing that does still doesn’t.
You know it’s over when the person you thought you could trust can look you in the eyes and be completely untruthful, and it’s no big deal. You know it’s over when you have to question your whole history together, and look at things with an all familiar eye of the past, and try to decipher it. When I question everything that’s ever happened and try and determine if it was just a ride I was taken on so that someone could live better and not in a basement or if possibly it was real.
I know it’s over when history repeats itself and I know I only have one option left. I do have another option, but how is trust built when you can’t believe what someone says, and that would be an even more heart wrenching option in the long run. I don’t see any other options.
