Monday, ESN swap and all thumbs
Today has started out as what Monday’s have always been advertised as – a painful experience where fingers suffer dyslexia, the brain has locked processes hanging, and 20 other people making system calls to someone who is having a hard time operating…
I’m not sure why I’m tired, got plenty of sleep. I have less work to look forward to this week, for school that is. I only have one more paper to tidy up and send it in. It’ll be a fairly robust paper, so I should score decently on it, I’m not overly concerned. That, and it’s only got to be 12 pages in length, so it’s an average length essay.
I have another two week school to go to on Friday, again. This should be the last one for a while, finally. I’ve spent more than a third of my time out of the office doing silly army training since last august, and I’m getting tired of it. 5 more years til retirement…
The only major thing this week is the project I’ve been working on for about two weeks now, re-IP’ing the network here. It means Thursday I’ll be busy, have the network down for about an hour or so (hopefully no more than that), and get out of here hopefully at a reasonable time before I have to head to Nebraska (of all places…)
Sucks that for the past couple of semesters, the breaks in between classes have been sucked up with army training. I will get a two week break at the end of June however, when we pick up the kids…then, I could either have a 4 month break in classes, or a 2 week break, depending on how the medical board goes this Wednesday.
Well, back to work. Nothing at all exciting to report.
Over Negative
I think it’s a person’s negative outlook on life that can be a cause of depression, and not just for that person. My wife said last night that she thinks we are out of things to talk about. I concurred. It’s not hard to run out of things when nothing ever changes, there isn’t anything to look forward to other than another today. It’s no big deal really, I’m sure that there are millions of others out there experiencing the same thing – and it’s a trade off in life that we make. Where should the focus be.
My wife asked me again last night for probably the 100th time what’s wrong. I didn’t say anything because I’ve said it well, 99 other times. The problem is though, there isn’t anything ever positive to look at. She takes anything, and looks only at the negative aspects. It started last night when she again mentioned that I’m going to be deployed in 6 months, and I said I know, I’ve heard about it every day for the past year. It was a little cold of me to say that, but quite frankly, I’m sick of focusing on that singular aspect that I’ll be gone instead of trying to enjoy the days in between.
After she asked me last night what’s wrong, I didn’t answer, she took off her ring and headed downstairs again. She’s going to be mad at me for another week or so, then the cycle will start over again. I know this. The point is, I’m not going to focus on what we know is coming, and I’m not going to only focus on what’s wrong. I’m tired of discussing how our marriage is falling apart because I’m not dedicating enough time to making people happy or however else I’m contributing to it’s destruction. I know she’s going to focus on this aspect more and more, since it’s only gotten worse in the past 9 months, and I know there isn’t anything I can do.
My friend in ATL says I should do more romantic things to inspire, and I believe I could; but if I do anything out of the ordinary, that gets gone over with a fine tooth comb as to why – all negative – are you cheating on me, who else are you seeing, what did you do, what do you want, why did you spend the money, so forth. It’s not worth the half hour of time to do something out of the ordinary to defend the decision for the next few days.
Jess says that she looks forward to me being gone because life is actually easier with me gone. I think the only reason that is, is because she doesn’t have to have the expectations of me coming down and sitting on the couch every night. It might not make sense in that regards, but somehow I feel that I’m under an obligation to create happiness and something interesting in our house. I don’t quite understand it…but the delta is there as well that can’t be bridged because even though the house is more relaxed when I’m gone, me leaving has been the only focus for over a year now. Why is there such a negative aspect on how hard things are going to be when I’m gone when the focus is also on how much easier it will be when I’m gone. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
Regardless of the above, I’m tired of being blamed for cheating, because I’m some overly attractive asshole that women pile on every time I leave the house. I don’t want the focus to be on how miserable life will be when I leave everyday because it’s making everyday up til then miserable.
I do want a focus on the positive. On everything. No more focusing on what could go wrong, because all that is doing is making the wrong the only possibility. The first thought that comes into your mind is going to be negative, so it’s up to you to realize that and come up with a positive for that. I want to get out of the house, and you need to as well. There is no sense in sitting on the couch and stewing over everything that could be going wrong all the time. I want you to look in the mirror every time you start getting down on everything, look yourself in the eyes, and tell yourself that you can do this. I do this every morning, and a couple of times a day. You have to empower yourself and motivate yourself, because there isn’t anybody else that’s going to do it. If it’s something you have to do every ten minutes, do it every ten minutes.
If you want to know what’s really wrong, this is it. I’m not playing this game anymore. If you want to, I can’t do anything about it, but I’m not playing this game anymore.
I’d rather watch fat people porn
Than to have to go through this again...
Worse, I have two daughters that I don’t want to have to put through this..or more so, two daughters that I don’t want them to put me through this again….
I’m sure there are ton’s of mothers out there right now, however, that will be back in their glory days.
Next, Milli Vanilli…
